Wow it has been awhile since I have been on here. My life has taken quite the turn. I was divorced a couple of years ago. That was an incredibly painful/strange situation. I chose to leave, and honestly, I have to say, I cannot imagine recommending anyone go through that. It is a learning experience, but not a "grass is greener" moment. It happened, and needed to. It took me years to get there, but now I am moving forward.
I know it seems a bit crazy, but I am engaged right now. I have a daughter, and I make no haste. I have been with this wonderful man, who was a friend, and we then moved in together. We have a lot of stuff going on, so we probably will move the wedding up soon. We have plans and we are taking care of them. No big wedding, no big whoop. Just us and our witnesses. More news to come soon.
My daughter is adjusting to going back and forth between her father and myself. I am reading various literature and talking to friends and family. It creates a unique struggle, and the communication between her father and I is not very amicable. However, everyone wants the best for her and to ease any of the stress or issues that may arise with this sort of situation.
I am sure my next posts will be more interesting and not so dry. I just felt the need to recap the goings on in my life.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
The Grass Isn't Always Greener...yeah, yeah, I know...
*Disclaimer* Sofia is always number one before any of these internal thoughts...
I have the spirit of a nomad, and the heart of...I am not sure how to end that sentence. I don't want to change everything always, forever. If I do that, one day I will wake up, and be old and want to slap myself. However, there are things I want, and in almost every single capacity, I hear someone say "the grass isn't greener you know". I know. So, that makes me stand still. You cannot replace one problem with another, one heartache with another, one escape for another. So, how do we know when we aren't doing that? When is it legit? I like to follow the notion "Follow your bliss"-Joseph Campbell. However, knowing Joseph Campbell's philosophies, he also didn't mean run from your problems, or ignore your responsibilities (including to yourself). I am 32. I am not young, I am not old. I wanted everything figured out about 10 years ago. So, in that sense I feel old and am back to the old time game. Sorry I will always be that way.
Before I turn 40 replaced Before I turn 30. Maybe those things keep us going. I had a checklist before I was 30, and guess what? I did most of those things. I don't think all were a success, but some were, and hopefully I have a learned a thing or two. My question now is, if I continue to change or evolve, when will some of it slow down? I honestly don't want to be searching for what my heart wants, forever, and I know for damn sure I don't want to be alone. I also, don't want to jump around the country my whole life. However, here are a few things I would love to do before I am 40, in no particular order. Don't judge.
1. Live in California
2. visit New York City and Montreal and overseas (heck, travel more)
3. Have a baby (ok I know I have a daughter, but I would like one more child and I am NOT having kids after 40)
4. Rock out at a festival, preferably outdoors
5. Record an album
6. Be in a band
7. Be happy, be loved, and love
If any of those things made you want to roll your eyes, sorry, dreams don't stop at 30 and sometimes you can be uncertain in your 30's, where you stand. I know many of these depend on how I play my cards, and I have become flexible (on certain things) with age. I have other things I want to do, but these just came to mind. All I know is that I don't want to be like some people I know who can't figure out what the hell will make them happy and end up living a life of confusion and searching and then looking back with regret and want for the past they could have had. I really would actually like to figure some stuff out. So much has the potential to change, and so much to stay the same. I fear being taken advantage of or for granted by people, and I also don't want to yearn for things I want just because I don't have them. I don't want to be the girl I was in my early 20's running from people who didn't know how to connect to another person. We all have to find a balance between our individualism in society and our collectivism, right?
In life the things that out trump all others are:
Love
Happiness
Prosperity
Freedom
Connections
According to "The Ryff Scale" in Positive Psychology, here are the 6 core dimensions to well-being
On love, that is the thing. I have love and love is everywhere, but I don't want to take it for granted, nor do I want the love I give to be taken for granted.
On happiness, I want to figure out how to balance my individual self, not be controlled by others, but connect with someone, take care of my family, and feel taken care of, as well as be able to dream, but also achieve, and share that, without poison, or ugliness, or constant struggle...
The grass isn't always greener, but we can try to tweak things so we can slowly find greener pastures within ourselves, right?
I have the spirit of a nomad, and the heart of...I am not sure how to end that sentence. I don't want to change everything always, forever. If I do that, one day I will wake up, and be old and want to slap myself. However, there are things I want, and in almost every single capacity, I hear someone say "the grass isn't greener you know". I know. So, that makes me stand still. You cannot replace one problem with another, one heartache with another, one escape for another. So, how do we know when we aren't doing that? When is it legit? I like to follow the notion "Follow your bliss"-Joseph Campbell. However, knowing Joseph Campbell's philosophies, he also didn't mean run from your problems, or ignore your responsibilities (including to yourself). I am 32. I am not young, I am not old. I wanted everything figured out about 10 years ago. So, in that sense I feel old and am back to the old time game. Sorry I will always be that way.
Before I turn 40 replaced Before I turn 30. Maybe those things keep us going. I had a checklist before I was 30, and guess what? I did most of those things. I don't think all were a success, but some were, and hopefully I have a learned a thing or two. My question now is, if I continue to change or evolve, when will some of it slow down? I honestly don't want to be searching for what my heart wants, forever, and I know for damn sure I don't want to be alone. I also, don't want to jump around the country my whole life. However, here are a few things I would love to do before I am 40, in no particular order. Don't judge.
1. Live in California
2. visit New York City and Montreal and overseas (heck, travel more)
3. Have a baby (ok I know I have a daughter, but I would like one more child and I am NOT having kids after 40)
4. Rock out at a festival, preferably outdoors
5. Record an album
6. Be in a band
7. Be happy, be loved, and love
If any of those things made you want to roll your eyes, sorry, dreams don't stop at 30 and sometimes you can be uncertain in your 30's, where you stand. I know many of these depend on how I play my cards, and I have become flexible (on certain things) with age. I have other things I want to do, but these just came to mind. All I know is that I don't want to be like some people I know who can't figure out what the hell will make them happy and end up living a life of confusion and searching and then looking back with regret and want for the past they could have had. I really would actually like to figure some stuff out. So much has the potential to change, and so much to stay the same. I fear being taken advantage of or for granted by people, and I also don't want to yearn for things I want just because I don't have them. I don't want to be the girl I was in my early 20's running from people who didn't know how to connect to another person. We all have to find a balance between our individualism in society and our collectivism, right?
In life the things that out trump all others are:
Love
Happiness
Prosperity
Freedom
Connections
According to "The Ryff Scale" in Positive Psychology, here are the 6 core dimensions to well-being
- self-acceptance
- the establishment of quality ties to others
- a sense of autonomy in thought and action
- the ability to manage complex environments to suit personal needs and values
- the pursuit of meaningful goals and a sense of purpose in life
- continued growth and development as a person
- http://www.liberalarts.wabash.edu/ryff-scales/
On love, that is the thing. I have love and love is everywhere, but I don't want to take it for granted, nor do I want the love I give to be taken for granted.
On happiness, I want to figure out how to balance my individual self, not be controlled by others, but connect with someone, take care of my family, and feel taken care of, as well as be able to dream, but also achieve, and share that, without poison, or ugliness, or constant struggle...
The grass isn't always greener, but we can try to tweak things so we can slowly find greener pastures within ourselves, right?
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Where do WE go?
So, Rawk Mom is a state of mind. It is the balance between being a mom and a responsible woman, and pursuing individualistic goals. There are moments when one outweighs the other in want..especially now. I am in a state of constant pull. I get really nostalgic about my past, and want to cling on to the feelings of marriage and motherhood, and travel. That is what defined me for a long time. I realized that is because without my "problems" and struggles and sadnesses that have brought me to this new chapter or at least the new exploration into possible futures, I really enjoy having a family and knowing that there are people who love me and I can love. It makes it hard and confusing for me to know what I am supposed to do or if I am looking at everything from the correct angles, and so forth.
I had a heartfelt conversation today that just leaves me paralyzed. Today.
Maybe tomorrow I will have something witty to say? I can't wait for that day. I am a poet and I know it. :)
I had a heartfelt conversation today that just leaves me paralyzed. Today.
Maybe tomorrow I will have something witty to say? I can't wait for that day. I am a poet and I know it. :)
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Feminism and family values are defined by you
Most men and women that I know are feminists. I worked with some young men years ago that didn't quite understand what the word meant, and almost shuddered at the thought of being considered one. To them, it meant something ultra feminine, and something about women who were workhorses and controlled men (at least that is the impression I got). Yes, I am often aggressive on my points of view, but that definition certainly didn't define me. I tried explaining to them that all it meant was that you believe in the social and economic equality movement for women. I think because I was pregnant and working, and young, and free (well I was married, so I don't mean preggers out of wedlock people), and I was different than their mothers, that I was actually some strange being. However, in all reality, I didn't want to work once my child was born, and wanted a kind of traditional valued household (not in some 1950's uppers and downers way) while my child was young. This was not possible (unfortunately) at the time, so like a person should do, I carried on with life as usual. This is the difference. There is a choice involved. I knew many people in many roles, and it never mattered their gender. It is honestly what works for you, and your family, or your life, and you shouldn't make people feel bad for how they want things. My friend Cory asked me recently if I would ever have a "house husband", and I was like "no", but I don't judge those who do. I am just on the opposite side of the spectrum, and that's fine. To each his own, right?
To some, there is this expectation to play the role of a feminist on how they interpret the role. As a strong outspoken and independent woman, people often misunderstand my values. I often have a few black and white values and then some grey area. I have learned that if I dabble too far into the grey area, I become disillusioned and disappointed with myself and others. I am redifining myself, as I am at a crossroads in my life. I am keeping the world open to me, because I have a choice, right? I knew some great women who were leaders at work and mothers as well. I also knew some women who stayed home with their children, and these women were also feminists, and educated (I envied them the most). I was raised traditionally, but by intellectual and educated parents, and formed my values based on them, with a little mixture of my own. This is where my independence and dependency comes from. For me, like many people, having a child truly defined where I stood as a feminist. I also have a daughter, did I mention this? I was unhappy working a full time job while she was a baby, but felt guilty telling this to my friends who loved working while they had small children, and felt envious of my friends who did not. It isn't even about dependency in a sick sort of helpless word, because this woman is definitely not helpless. It was more about what is important to me. I know I can only compromise so much, without feeling regret, resentment, etc. So, in that regard, I know I will have a child again at some point, and it would have to be with a partner who was willing to share my values, and actually know how to carry through with them. I have learned to not feel bad about this. This falls into the role of men and responsibility, but that is a whole other blog topic, trust me, I have a thing or two to say on that subject. So, yes, when it comes to life I am quite free spirited and when it comes to family and children, I am much more traditional, except for the fact that I would take my kids on tour with me if I ever was given the opportunity to be a rawk star (welcome to my new blog). We are all unique and define our own family values.
To be honest, the world is full of different people. Be who you are, and don't let a term define you. Also, do not feel guilty for your beliefs or wants, especially if they are within reason. Life is too short for this. Just learn to surround yourself with people you can learn from and whom you can also share. You define yourself as a feminist woman, or man, and if you are reading this blog, I am probably friends with you, and therefore you probably are in the feminist category in some aspect. Take care of your life, and don't compromise yourself, even if you make compromises in your life. You can take care of others, but others should also take care of you. The world would function so much more pleasantly if we thought of our community this way.
To wrap it all up, most Americans, besides someone who absolutely thinks women (and men even) shouldn't have a choice in which road they take, are probably feminists. Yes, and that means YOU! And as a reminder (and I know I am motherly on this advice), men, take your women out and open doors for them and all that jazz, and women, don't take this for granted, and you also have to give. In this day in age don't be a "taker" whether your are a man or a woman.
To some, there is this expectation to play the role of a feminist on how they interpret the role. As a strong outspoken and independent woman, people often misunderstand my values. I often have a few black and white values and then some grey area. I have learned that if I dabble too far into the grey area, I become disillusioned and disappointed with myself and others. I am redifining myself, as I am at a crossroads in my life. I am keeping the world open to me, because I have a choice, right? I knew some great women who were leaders at work and mothers as well. I also knew some women who stayed home with their children, and these women were also feminists, and educated (I envied them the most). I was raised traditionally, but by intellectual and educated parents, and formed my values based on them, with a little mixture of my own. This is where my independence and dependency comes from. For me, like many people, having a child truly defined where I stood as a feminist. I also have a daughter, did I mention this? I was unhappy working a full time job while she was a baby, but felt guilty telling this to my friends who loved working while they had small children, and felt envious of my friends who did not. It isn't even about dependency in a sick sort of helpless word, because this woman is definitely not helpless. It was more about what is important to me. I know I can only compromise so much, without feeling regret, resentment, etc. So, in that regard, I know I will have a child again at some point, and it would have to be with a partner who was willing to share my values, and actually know how to carry through with them. I have learned to not feel bad about this. This falls into the role of men and responsibility, but that is a whole other blog topic, trust me, I have a thing or two to say on that subject. So, yes, when it comes to life I am quite free spirited and when it comes to family and children, I am much more traditional, except for the fact that I would take my kids on tour with me if I ever was given the opportunity to be a rawk star (welcome to my new blog). We are all unique and define our own family values.
To be honest, the world is full of different people. Be who you are, and don't let a term define you. Also, do not feel guilty for your beliefs or wants, especially if they are within reason. Life is too short for this. Just learn to surround yourself with people you can learn from and whom you can also share. You define yourself as a feminist woman, or man, and if you are reading this blog, I am probably friends with you, and therefore you probably are in the feminist category in some aspect. Take care of your life, and don't compromise yourself, even if you make compromises in your life. You can take care of others, but others should also take care of you. The world would function so much more pleasantly if we thought of our community this way.
To wrap it all up, most Americans, besides someone who absolutely thinks women (and men even) shouldn't have a choice in which road they take, are probably feminists. Yes, and that means YOU! And as a reminder (and I know I am motherly on this advice), men, take your women out and open doors for them and all that jazz, and women, don't take this for granted, and you also have to give. In this day in age don't be a "taker" whether your are a man or a woman.
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